What Comes After “I’m Sorry”

Today, when I arrived at school, something happened that stayed with me.

A few days ago, one of the boys in my group, together with some boys from another class, had not treated a girl from the class next door very kindly.

She went home very upset, told her family what had happened, and her mother contacted the school.

When I spoke to him about it, he told me what had happened and immediately said that he wanted to say sorry to her.

And yes. Saying sorry was important.

But I told him that when we hurt someone or treat them badly, saying sorry is important, but there is something else we can do: we can try to make things right.

I told him that I was going to speak to his mother and tell her what had happened, but that he needed to think about what he could do, beyond saying sorry, to repair the relationship.

Because relationships are built.

And sometimes, our actions can damage them.

But when that happens, we can also do something to build them again.

I didn't tell him what to do.

I wanted him to think about it himself.

I explained to his mother that, for me, dealing with these situations is not about simply telling a child off and moving on.

They are going to grow up together.

They are going to share many years at school.

They will see each other again and again.

And I think it is much more important for them to learn that when we make a mistake with someone, we can take responsibility, say sorry and try to repair what we have damaged.

Today, when we sat down for lunch, he told me that he had called her and said sorry.

But that wasn't all.

He had arrived at school with some homemade cookies he had made with his mother.

There was a little sign that said:

“Sorry.”

And on the sign, he had drawn himself and the girl holding hands.

I was really touched.

Not only because he had said sorry, but because he had thought about what he could do to make things right.

And he had done it.

During our gratitude circle, which we have every day, I asked him if I could thank him in front of the others for the way he had handled the situation and for what he had done.

He said yes.

So I thanked him.

During this circle, the children also learn to stop and think about the things, people and moments they are grateful for.

And that day, I knew exactly what I wanted to thank him for.

I wanted to thank him for not stopping at words.

For understanding that saying sorry was a first step.

And for finding his own way to repair the relationship and build it again.

And perhaps this is also part of what teaching means:

That we can all make mistakes.

That saying sorry matters.

But that sometimes, after saying sorry, there is still something left to do.

That learning how to repair is also learning how to care for the relationships we have with others.

And today, when I saw that drawing of the two of them holding hands, I thought that perhaps he had understood something that takes us a long time to learn:

When a relationship matters to us, it is worth doing something to find our way back to each other.